Crazy Eyes :
I watch the stock market channel all the time - I just watch because I suspect that anchor man of being an evil leprechaun... he can bullshit everybody else, but he ain't fooling me.
Helicopter Pilot:
You own the Jets, Deeds.
Emilio :
How can I thank you?
Longfellow Deeds :
All I want is your friendship, Emilio. You're a good man.
Emilio :
Deeds! How about a billion dollars?
Longfellow Deeds :
Alright.
Emilio :
Done.
Longfellow Deeds :
Whoa, you kinda snuck up on me there...
Emilio :
I am very very sneaky, sir.
(Longfellow Deeds is showing Emilio his frostbitten foot)
Emilio :
The hideousness of that foot will haunt my dreams forever.
Longfellow Deeds :
Oh, yeah. I've heard that before
Babe :
You must be Jan. My name is...
Jan :
I know who you are. Wham-Bam Dawson, a.k.a. Little Miss Slut-slut.
Babe :
Okay, I deserved that...
Jan :
Do you have any idea how much you hurt him? You're not getting anywhere near that boy.
Babe :
I have to find him, and there's nothing you can do to stop me.
Jan :
(rolls up her sleeves) There's a lot I can do to stop you.
Babe :
He needs to know how bad I feel, and I would go to the end of the earth, I would do anything, *anything*, to take back what I did to him.
Jan :
...I'm sorry? All I heard was, "blah blah blah, I'm a dirty tramp."
(Deeds comes to rescue a girl fallen into a frozen pond, but stops when he sees it's Babe)
Longfellow Deeds :
Where do you got the camera hidden? In the woods?
Babe :
(shivering) No camera! I'm s-s-so cold! Please!
Longfellow Deeds :
You're gonna get mugged in there, too?
Babe :
I'm s-s-s-so s-s-s-sorry! I really l-l-love you!
Longfellow Deeds :
Bu-bu-bu-bu-bullshit!
Longfellow Deeds :
It's hard to soar with the eagles when you're surrounded by turkeys.
Longfellow Deeds :
What up, Chuck?
(Anderson raises his hand after Chuck Cedar asks if anyone knows a doctor that just faxed them)
Chuck Cedar :
Congratulations, you have a spastic colon.
Cecil Anderson :
That would explain a lot.
Longfellow Deeds :
Are you sure about that?
Longfellow Deeds :
What are you in for?
Crazy Eyes :
Eeh, I'm doin' an overnighter for bitin' the mailman.
(waves his hand)
Crazy Eyes :
He was tryin' to cast some spell on me like a wizard or somethin'.
Longfellow Deeds :
You sure about that?
Crazy Eyes :
On second thought maybe he was just wavin'.
(waves hand then sees Chuck and Cecil)
Crazy Eyes :
Who're your friends?
Longfellow Deeds :
This is Chuck and Cecil, they're visiting from New York.
Crazy Eyes :
I don't like 'em.
Longfellow Deeds :
Ok then.
Longfellow Deeds :
Crazy Eyes.
Crazy Eyes :
Hey, Deeds.
Longfellow Deeds :
How you doin', pal? I got your pizza for you, just the way you like it.
Crazy Eyes :
Oh, yes. French Fries and Oreos, you know me all too well, Deeds.
Crazy Eyes :
I wasn't talking to you, Deeds. I was talking to that squirrel over there.
(points at a goat)
John McEnroe :
I like the way you beat up those guys who were making fun of you. It was pretty cool.
Longfellow Deeds :
Yeah I bet you know what it's like to get all riled up Johnny Mac.
John McEnroe :
That I do.
Preston Blake :
(writing in his diary) "I am a volcano of lust. My soul has been filled with images of this woman for ages. For years I have followed my mind in my business. Tonight I shall follow my heart..."
(as Preston writes this entry one night, he notices an attractive maid, the object of his desires, working in his office)
Consuela Lopez :
Want me to wipe the leaves on your ficus tree, Mr. Blake?
Preston Blake :
Please, call me Preston.
Consuela Lopez :
Want me to wipe the leaves on your ficus tree... Preston?
Preston Blake :
Yes... yes, Yes, YES!
(as the screen fades out, he grabs her... )
Crazy Eyes :
Time heals all things... except these crazy eyes.
(In burning building)
Cat Lady :
I'm not leaving without my kitties!
Longfellow Deeds :
How many do you got?
Cat Lady :
Seven.
Longfellow Deeds :
Holy shit. Let's get cracking.
(he starts to search, but turns back)
Longfellow Deeds :
I apologize for the language.
Cat Lady :
Apology accepted.
Rev. Al Sharpton :
That was freaky.
Crazy Eyes :
I thought we were watching Scooby Doo.
Murph :
Hey look, Deeds is hanging out with John McEnroe.
Crazy Eyes :
I love The Beach Boys.
Babe, aka "Pam Dawson" :
Oh, you have got to be shittin' me.
Longfellow Deeds :
Whoa... that's the first time I've heard you curse.
Babe :
I'm that excited.
Babe :
And this is my brother Denny's room,
(opens a closet door)
Babe, aka "Pam Dawson" :
they didn't like my brother very much.
Rev. Al Sharpton :
Now Brother Preston is soaring with eagles high above, because he lived a life of love. Yes he's flying way up high, because he was a supercool guy. He's gone away, too soon it seems, leaving behind his unfinished dreams.
Longfellow Deeds :
This guy could live a life writing greeting cards.
Rev. Al Sharpton :
Yes we remember Preston Blake, a man with faith no man could shake. A strength no man could break. A character no man could fake. For goodness sake, let's eat some cake.
Funeral attendants:
Amen
Longfellow Deeds :
So how is the elevator business treating you, Reuben?
Reuben the Elevator Operator:
Oh, it has its ups and downs.
(They both start laughing)
(Babe Bennett is fighting against Jan, and Babe just kicked her in the crotch several times)
Jan :
Where were you kicking? I ain't got no balls, dummy.
Jan :
I always wanted to be a man!
Longfellow Deeds :
Okay, well I guess that explains a lot...
Nazo, the Italian Delivery Man :
Holy Shit, it's a cat!
Emilio :
I fear you are underestimating the sneakiness, sir.
(in the Pizza-Place, just after asking Jan if Deeds was there)
Cecil Anderson :
Is Mrs. Deeds around?
Jan :
Mrs. Deeds? I don't think that poor boy ever had a date.
Emilio :
Usually, when you are black out drunk you don't dream... or so I read.
Babe :
Awww, he's choking. We should leave.
Emilio :
Here are some aspirins, Mr. Deeds. They make your head seem smaller.
Babe :
(reading a poem Deeds wrote for her) "Hard to breathe / Feels like floating / So full of love my heart's exploding. / Mouth is dry / Hands are shaking / My heart is yours for the taking. / Acting weird / Not myself / Dancing around like the Keebler elf. / Finally time / for this poor schlubb / To know how it feels to fall in lub."
Longfellow Deeds :
I couldn't find any other words that rhyme with "schlub..."
(Babe pulls Deeds towards her and the two kiss for one long moment)
Babe :
Oh, Deeds... oh, I am so sorry...
(breaks into tears and runs away)
Longfellow Deeds :
No, don't be... I mean, that was my first kiss too...
Longfellow Deeds :
Ma'am, you were just the victim of a New York City mugger. As I suspected, he was a coward and a weakling, and also wore more cologne than any man should wear.
Mac McGrath :
Are you gonna see him again tonight?
Babe, aka "Pam Dawson" :
Yes. I'm calling him around 4. It's when I get off work. Remember, I am Pam Dawson, virgin school nurse from Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa.
Mac McGrath :
Ha ha, that's priceless... YOU a VIRGIN! Ha ha ha!
Chuck Cedar :
We're looking for somebody. Longfellow Deeds.
Murph :
Wow! Is that's Deeds's first name?
Cecil Anderson :
Well, if the Deeds you're referring to is Longfellow Deeds, then yes, that is Deeds's first name.
Murph :
Well, I don't know Deeds's first name, maybe it's Greg.
Cecil Anderson :
Maybe it's Longfellow.
Murph :
Maybe. But I don't know. I know another guy named Greg. You want me to call him up?
Chuck Cedar :
No! Thank you. Please. Just tell us where Deeds lives.
Jan :
Deeds isn't in right now, he's making deliveries 'cause our regular delivery guy called in sick. But you don't look very sick, Murph.
Murph :
Oh, I forgot I was fakin' sick today.
(starts walking away)
Murph :
You guys played me like a fiddle. Touche!
Chuck Cedar :
Cute, bigmouth.
Emilio :
Sir?
Chuck Cedar :
As soon as that moron goes back to Cowpie Falls, you are out of here on your fat, Puerto Rican ass.
(leaves)
Emilio :
I hail from Spain, sir.
(gives the middle finger to Cedar's retreating back)
Emilio :
Ole.
Murph :
Look at Deedsy haning out with McEnroe! That's awesome!
Crazy Eyes :
I love the Beach Boys.
Mac McGrath :
Well, it was quite a night for Longfellow Deeds.
Longfellow Deeds :
Oh, no. They're gonna know my name is Longfellow.
Longfellow Deeds :
How did I get into these pajamas?
Emilio :
I changed you. I was very gentle, sir.
Chuck Cedar :
That guy will have a million dollars and that photo will be all over the news in less than an hour
Longfellow Deeds :
He deserved it with the James Bond moves he just pulled.
Chuck Cedar :
He deserves to have his throat cut, filthy spy.
Chuck Cedar :
If I lose control of this company, it will be catastrophic.
Chuck Cedar :
Did we find this heir yet?
Longfellow Deeds :
(to Chuck) Handshakes are for strangers, pal. We hug around here, buddy. What's up? What's up?
Longfellow Deeds :
I promise to love you for fifty years more / Even when your bosoms sag down to the floor.
Longfellow Deeds :
(singing) # This is major Tom to ground control / I'm stepping through the door #
Longfellow Deeds :
(to Emilio) I got wicked bad frost bite when I was in the scouts. Check it out.
Babe, aka "Pam Dawson" :
He writes greeting cards.
Longfellow Deeds :
And if it wasn't for Miss Dawson being here, I'd probably knock your heads in.
Babe, aka "Pam Dawson" :
I don't mind.
Longfellow Deeds :
Okay.
Jan :
Tell you what: you get by me, I'll tell you where he is.
(cricks her neck)
Jan :
Whoo! Feeling crazy!
Babe :
(takes off her coat) Okay...
Jan :
Come to mama!
(Babe charges, and Jan clotheslines her)
Babe :
Ow...
Jan :
I was a rodeo clown for six years. You're gonna have to step it up a notch, shorty.
Babe :
At the lake, when you saved my life... which I never thanked you for...
Longfellow Deeds :
You're welcome.
Babe :
...you said that you didn't know who I was, and it made me realize... I don't know who I am. So I started working on it, and here's what I've got so far: My name is Babe Bennett. I grew up in Sayasset, Long Island. I have brown eyes and I don't know what my natural hair colour is anymore. When I was in fifth grade, I got a crush on Walter Kronkite, and... and I really did have that Holly Hobby notebook I was telling you about. I love Bruce Springsteen, Allman Roka and Abbott and Costello movies. I don't like liquorice, or my ankles. Most importantly, I know that I messed up real bad, and I'd be willing to spend the rest of my life begging you to give me another chance, because I am so deeply in love with you, and I know that it's definitely that forever kind of love that...
Longfellow Deeds :
You're crazy.
(Babe trails off into silence)
Longfellow Deeds :
You have beautiful ankles.
(first lines)
Preston Blake :
I'm gonna get to the top of Everest, if it's the last thing I do!
(cut to his frozen but triumphant body clinging to the summit of Mount Everest)
(Babe twiddles with a camera hidden in her blouse)
Babe :
I want a raise, Mac!
(Babe is fiddling with a camera hidden in her blouse, when she notices a fireman staring at her)
Babe :
Uh... Fires excite me.
(exposed)
Babe :
I was gonna tell you, Deeds...
(last lines)
Crazy Eyes :
(driving a Corvette) These things are damn fast!
(to prove it, he punches the accelerator and collides with a tree)
Crazy Eyes :
I'm all right!
(at a swanky dinner)
Longfellow Deeds :
Oh, I get it... You all invited me here so you could look down on me. Well, let me tell you that here you may all laugh at me, but down in Mandrake Falls we would laugh at you all.
Babe :
I'm gonna tell him that I've fallen in love with him, and who I really am.
Mac McGrath :
And what if he punches you?
Babe :
I'm kinda hoping he does.
Mac McGrath :
Ah, come off it, Babe. You'd actually leave all this for that dipstick?
Babe :
He is not a dipstick! He is a kind, sweet-hearted guy who we think is a dipstick because he doesn't have our sense of cynicism and negative that we put into the news to make it sell!
Mac McGrath :
Garbage!
Babe :
Right!
Mac McGrath :
Well, after this meeting, I'm going down to my limo and head across to my 16-floor mansion to touch my girlfriend's big fake pompoms!
Babe :
Good for you, Mac. But I'm still gonna tell him.
Mac McGrath :
I feel for you, I do. "Big journalist leaves career for Forrest Gump." I'm really gonna miss you...
(a depressed Deeds delivers a pizza)
Crazy Eyes :
Peanut butter and Gumbo... my favorite!
(Deeds finds Babe trapped underneath a sheet of ice)
Longfellow Deeds :
(removes his shoe) Get ready... here comes the foot!
Babe :
NOOOO!
(Deeds shoves his frostbitten foot through the ice... right next to Babe)
Longfellow Deeds :
I know, it's gross - grab it!
(pulls Babe out of the ice with the foot)
Longfellow Deeds :
You didn't really fall out of an apple tree, did you?
Babe :
No. But I really do love you.
Longfellow Deeds :
I don't know who you are. I'm sorry...
(Deeds asks all the shareholders to look at themselves as children, and as now)
Longfellow Deeds :
We all had these dreams, and then we got jobs to achieve those dreams. But we wanted more money, and we got rid of our dreams. You know, if your nine-year olds saw you guys the way you are, you'd get your butts kicked right now! I mean, look what's happened to us!
Emilio :
That is my mother's name... That is my birth date... That is my MONEY?
(Lopez fires everyone on the board, and is about to fire Cecil Anderson... )
Longfellow Deeds :
Ah, hold on a moment. Allow him to hang around a little longer. He can do a good job if you give him the chance.
Emilio :
Very well...
(to Cecil)
Emilio :
I shall expect you at seven tomorrow morning, so that I can change your socks.
(Deeds' poem is printed on greeting cards all over the state)
Babe :
"Hard to breathe / Feels like floating..."
Reuben :
"So full of love my heart's exploding..."
Emilio :
(stroking a beautiful woman) "Mouth is dry / Hands are shaking..."
Cecil Anderson :
(seated next to Kitty on a bench) "My heart is yours for the taking..."
Nazo, the Italian Delivery Man :
(stroking a cat) "Acting weird / Not myself..."
Jan :
"Dancing around like the Keebler elf..."
Longfellow Deeds :
"Finally time / for this poor schlubb / To know how it feels to fall in lub."
Longfellow Deeds :
(to Emilio) Don't be nervous, go ahead. Didn't feel it. Isn't that awesome. Oh, yeah, enjoy the force. I know you're starting to like it aren't ya? You sick! You sick! Why would you do that to me? I'm just kidding you, pal.
(Deeds' rescue is warped and seen on the news as a twisted perversion)
Babe :
He risked his life to save that woman and her pets! He was heroic!
Mac McGrath :
(shrugs) Heroic is good, but depravity and scandals sell better.
Longfellow Deeds :
I can't run a company... I can't even run my own life!
(nearly getting run over)
John McEnroe :
(yelling after the car) What kind of driving is that?
